took acid and went on safebus. all the lights were off except the adds. swear to god it was a submarine
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
did you fuck him yet?
hahaha who do you think your talking to.. a nun?
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
Thanksgiving break drinking is a marathon, not a sprint, and i need to be well rested
you missed kickoff and the first round of bodyshots. I suggest you get here now.
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
Look. I've got things to do today.. Will you hurry up and come over so I can give you some head and get my day started already
Outside
GET OVER HERE. HOTTIE ALERT
^^^This is why you should have charged your phone prior to going out.
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
My actions are not mine. They are the actions of Patron.
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
i really didnt think i was that drunk last night but the txts from unknwn #s that say i like your lace panties are def telling me otherwise
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