I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
you're putting all your eggs in a very hungover basket
Definitely just saw the guy I went on a date with Friday night dressed in medeival knight gear on the quad preparing for battle. Oh my God.
it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
Its not like i paid for sex. She was stuck there, we simply exchanged rides.
I woke up with hair in my teeth and half his beard was missing.
If his smile makes you freak out and drop things imagine what his penis could do
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
Neither a grow-er nor a show-er. More like a no-er. If he didn't have testicles, I'm not sure you could tell he was a male, even standing there naked. There will be no second date.
How did it feel to just observe all the people blacking out usually you're on the other end of things
I felt like I was at the zoo
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
Randomize
