you should wait a day or two to break up with your girlfriend
why?
so we can have sex in the meantime. It adds a little excitement.
you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
So fucked up. Can't tell if I'm starving or about to puke. Playing it safe and eating froot loops. Tasty in, colorful out.
Be prepared to possibly be invited to a fancy strip club breakfast on Friday and be prepared to say yes.
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my left tit made it into the crop job on your profile pic, I knew it was good for other things
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
It's not
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
DO NOT FUCK YOUR ENGAGED GAY NEIGHBOR!
The best part of being a lesbian? If I'm late for work at a hookup's place I can use her make up and peace out. Well and all the sex of course.
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
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