i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
what do you think about when you wanna get rid of a boner?
dying kittens.
Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
we sang "a whole new world" together. either he's my gay best friend or the love of my life.
enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
so gross sitting on a warm chair at a restaurant..you just know a fat person was sitting there shoveling food into their face for hours.
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
Hey I had a great night last night but I don't want to lie to you I'm only 19 and that wasn't my place its was my cousin he's gone for the summer and I was just house sitting and watching his cat I'm sorry
Last night I drank three beers and threw up in a tree house. I am ashamed.
its 4am. iam sitting in the luggage car of the train eating beef jerkey. i feel like a hobo.
dont insult. no hobo is as pathetic as you.
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