I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
We tried to line dance with everyone but it turned into drunken stumbling and attempting to grind on random frat boys. I feel that this might turn into an every Thursday thing.
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
Is it love? I honestly haven't even thought about watching porn for over a week now, and haven't thought about fucking any strangers either. It's quite eerie.
I have a scary feeling my mom might switch her goals from finding me a husband in 2012 to sending me to rehab
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
There aren't enough words in the English language to fully describe how worried I am for your dick. And the rest of you, I suppose.
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
I know you would. And one day, we'll have a moment where i'll verbally assault a stranger for you.
Randomize
