4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
i'm ready for this baby to gtfo so i can get coked out.
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
I was more than drunk as hell I have rug burn on my elbows from ninja roles on the ground..
In hindsight combining orgy Thursday with mystery drink madness was begging for failure
So after taking my shirt off, he pulls my bra off like a hockey jersey. FUCKIN PRO. Guy knew what he wanted.
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
I probably shouldn't be taking relationship advice from my side piece...
I guess daylight savings isn't a holiday we need to celebrate for three days...
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
Her hot older sister walked in on us, looked me up and down, then stared straight at her and said "I call sloppy seconds on this one" then left. I'm still debating on how I feel about that.
It’s a prereq for med school, so I hope the professor likes blow jobs
Randomize
