Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
I was mid-pee and he walked in, claimed he was looking for his phone, and then asked if we could hook up since we were finally alone.
so yall hooked up?
You're sure you don't want to come? I'm pretty sure there is going to be "Pin the Tail on the Baby".
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
being pregnant is like rehab
We found him sitting in a beach chair in the basement storage room passed out. Idk if we should move him or pass the bowl around.
So looks like I applied to adopt a dog last night. I'm completely ok with this
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
I am in no place to make rational decisions, but right now i want you inside me
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
Randomize
