Going to get tested monday. You're coming with. Bonding time, slut style.
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
That's like.....u just dangled a sex carrot in front of me then took it away!
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
I feel like one thing if I have going for me is that my bed looks like a nice place to have sex
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
The part where he comes over and ignores you isn't what makes me mad about that story... It's the fact that he ate your tacos, AND THEN proceeded to ignore you. That's cold hearted.
Wasted. And I have 5 pounds of potatoes that I'm responsible for.
lets face it, we have a liquor cabinet with a designated chocolate shelf
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
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