im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
You're only the seventh guy she's ever kissed. Somesones gunna get EPICALLY stalked
my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
Fried chicken is a must. Do strippers eat fried chicken or should I plan on something else?
i just came to a realization. Besides probably food, in my lifetime i think i have spent more money on legal fees than anything else
The album on my phone containing gross pictures to send when boys ask for nudes is now substantially larger than my normal photo album. Because I send one every night
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
I'm pretty sure I have PMS because I almost just cried about not being able to find a place that gives acrobat classes here.
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