I wonder if she has a lisp when she orgasms...
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
you said "tonight pinky, we take over the world" and then came in my face
I'm sitting the next couple hours out. Puking in a potted plant really put shit into perspective for me.
i was playing the convince him im sober game through texting. i spelled most of the words right. i hope.
It's a long way off yet but I've started planning my eviction party. Be prepared, it includes jungle juice.
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
I go to a class slightly intoxicated and they bring in a baby. What a life.
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
seriously considering getting an electric blanket rather than sleeping with guys this winter for warmth.
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
Wait is this place where the strippers are missing teeth and I think one is missing a thumb? Though I don't know how she would maneuver on the pole without a thumb. Pls advise.
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
Randomize
