omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
I assumed she put out when I heard her friend call her "dickbutt"
my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
He just sent me a picture of multiple chickens eating in his kitchen... should I be worried
And then he tried to convince me that he could wear a condom instead of pants to go out.
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