Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
My cat gives me a boner
Probably, but last night was a special kind of drunk. It was a "let's see how drunk I can get without killing myself" drunk.
So i was told that i peed in the sink, had sex with a pillow and banged on a washer while singing idian chants
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
I think that was him coming out to me. I just brushed it off
Would your heart desire to drink copious amounts of alcohol tonight?
I opened the door and his girlfriend was standing there; we made silent, prolonged eye contact as I quietly put on my panties and left.
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
Randomize
