the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
she literally hasn't taken the mardi gras beads off in three days. she showered in them. TWICE.
You were offering to spell people's name for a dollar.
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
yeah...that's gonna come up in court
In the ER with Chelz, I may have broken her ankle during sex. Lovely.
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
This is worse than naked and afraid. This is drunk and confused.
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
We walked 3 miles to the strip club. Stopped for roadies, it wasn't that bad.
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
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