im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
Dude I need help. What word is complimentary, but sounds like "chunky"?
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
Pounding your chest saying "me Tarzan" is not flirting or even talking
the new numbers in my phone would beg to differ
I want to be your penis for a week.
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
Head-banging is a very stupid way to injur yourself. But this opinion is also coming from somebody who can't walk right because they cut their asshole shaving last night, so it probably has little to no merit.
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
Did you really eat 10 ice cream cones today?
It was tough but I powered through it.
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
is it still considered wake n bake if you wake up at 2 pm?
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