I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
No, the weekend was great. It was the waking up in the pond in the raft without an oar that sucked. That fucking water is cold at 7am.
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
I don't know bro. If a girl makes you cum hard enough that you pull a back muscle, she might be the perfect one to call for a massage on said muscle.
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
My Dicks been hard all day. Poor guy isn't used to vacation being over
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
Dear god my vagina.
Randomize
