Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen.
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
French people screaming and throwing stuff out the window. We told the manager and he's pissed and going up there. This is gonna be like cops. Maybe better than cops.
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
Are we in any of the areas with tornados?
Dude, i don't even have pants on yet, it's too early to think about tornadoes.
just walked across campus with a bottle of champagne in between my boobs. night two and the quest for classiness is already over
omg he is no good in bed, bless his little heart and his big dick
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
I think he's trying to finish jacking off before throwing up again
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
I might be drinking a 4-day old opened beer on a Wednesday. You're in no position to judge me.
It would have only made it one day at my place.
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
Randomize
