This girl is very crazy
She's one of those compassionate ppl
So everything I said on this seemingly endless date offended her
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
No. I'm just saying it shows no signs of stopping. My dad was a man-whore well into his 50s.
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
I think they're German
Just say lederhosen and see what happens
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
Her tits are absolutely massive. Like ripleys believe it or not shit
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
Was so high at one point last night that while showering I was worried that using too much hot water would slow down our Internet.
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
It's done, I'm done, goodbye veneer of class and dignity it was nice knowing you
Randomize
