I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
Dignity is for republicans.
I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
and then he proceeded to take what he called, a whip cream shower.
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
hitting rock bottom is getting taziki in your hair & simply putting it in a bun instead of actually dealing with it, just like your problems
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
who knew rolling through the dorm on a scooter in footie pajamas would attract so many guys. he said i'm his soulmate.
I had to pee so bad that I snuck into the bathroom while they were in the shower. At her request, he was massaging her boobs so they could grow faster. Also there was a laser light machine.
Randomize
