I realize now. I should have just made out with everyone and anyone when I had the chance.
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
I drank entirely too much. My skin hurts to wear
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
You have a full penis tattoo of a cobra fighting a mongoose, don't you?
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