Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
You can buy vodka at target here.. Maybe Missouri isn't so bad after all
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
She literally just cut half her hair off because she's tired of asking someone to hold it back when shes drunk and puking.
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
This chick at the gym, just informed me I was super funny this weekend. Especially when I untied her friends bikini top after throwing up in the women's restroom. SWEET black out chronicles has another story
Just busted the chick who slept with my boyfriend with alcohol. God I love being an RA.
I'm definitely closer to having sex in every building on campus than I am to having a post-graduation career/plan/future. Unless that future is getting fucked in lots of buildings. I got that shit on lock down.
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads