Only in college do people pre-game a meteor shower
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
i really wish someone from a royal background would fuck me so i could literally say i was 'royally fucked'.
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
I know i'm the slutty cousin, but be honest. have you ever got your nose ring caught on a guy's zipper?
Finals week has gone away, doo dah doo dah, drink martinis naked day oh da doo dah day
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
I fucked him while wearing his hat. I love the navy
The first time he ever tried to hold my hand, I moon walked away.
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
I just ate part of my sock, this has got to stop.
As much as I hate to admit it, some day ill need a man because I can't open jars myself and you can't 69 a dildo
Like I don't even know how to respond to this?
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