is it bad that i kinda- ok, reallyyy don't remember having sex with him last night?
how the fuck did you end up in georgia? you were here at my party dry humping some chick 2 hours ago
so you mean to tell me that there is no way you can get me?
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
Found my puke from September encrusted to the floor under the dresser while cleaning before move out ..... Oh Freshman year
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
Took "drink until he's cute" to a whole new level last night...
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
I think everyone at the office can tell I'm dehydrated
you mean still drunk
I've heard it both ways
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
I woke up and saw that my last google search was "Bacon neck".
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
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