I want to bang chis in dee ass burt he be hating on me times two. Me be tryin ti love onu
Bendover
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
The cops said we could pay $250 or spend the night in jail and get 2 free meals. I might pee in mail-boxes more often
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
I will never in my life forget you letting the cat lick your tongue
I only had sex with him so I could try to steal his roommate's cat, what kind of girl do you think I am?
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
Yup on the verge of buzzed and drunk. I managed to make my way into my cat's box house to fall asleep. I'm comfortable
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
Like if Ohio doesn't think I can get smashed on wine I will gladly prove them wrong
Lmao. K I'll be 100% honest. I was over at your place like 12 hours ago with your roommate. If I hadn't of been there then I'd take you up on your booty call offer. So. If you're not creeped out another time please?
Randomize
