he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
:( I miss blowjobs.
This is probably the strangest conversational segue we've ever had.
What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
Here's the thing. I'm really high and have lots of questions about lightning.
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
I was so drunk, I was kissing everyone. Their sexual preference was none of my concern.
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
Don't worry we will all be making bad decisions soon
That's the most comforting thing I've heard in months
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
Doing the walk of shame and bringing my dad a newspaper en route. Favourite daughter status confirmed.
You tired to make us "vodka tacos". Which was just you dipping pitas in vodka.
Any good?
Well. FUCK YA. But that's beside the point
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
She ordered an O'douls. That was the end of that date
woke up to find a case of beer in the oven and a random puppy in the house...guess i had a party last night?
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