Reasons why i shouldn't be drunk and upset: i'm going to a boy's
the fundamentals of my vasectemy are strong
Moan for me like Helen Keller
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
Apparently I spent my 300 dollar tax return by ordering ramen on amazon last night. Please tell me this will somehow pay off in the long run.
I haven't found him passed out in the living room covered in noodles for a while now so I guess he's getting better with the drinking.
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
Most people would agree that it IS in fact slutty to give someone head for free ice cream.
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