I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
I may or may not have slept in someones apt on your street because they told me I was fun sized like a mini snickers
Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
you were convinced that if all her tampons were gone her period would stop, so you started eating them.
anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
like semen in my mouth is absolutely disgusting but i'd still like to experience it
tolerance is too high. going on a liquor strike. ghandi style.
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
this just proves how much faith i have in "us".. what should we be for halloween..?
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
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