hey can you give me head? jesse told me that you're really good
who is this?
jesse's little brother
But sometimes ur dick treats me better than u do
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
Even the bar was yelling boobs, so of course the shirt came off
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
Im about to smoke a huge bowl. My penis is so happy. Who needs girls.
It's like some sort of initiation to finger one of them... so I did it. And got high fived afterwards like a dozen times.
Those were right hand only?
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
I've been really sick the past 4 days. Last night, I actually turned down a bj. I may be dying.
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
How long do I have to listen to him talk about the chickens before telling him I just really want to fuck? Note: it's already been twelve minutes.
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