I'm playing musical beds - it's not very fun
you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
Being hungover naked and coloring my hair. I guess I am not naked I have black latex gloves on. Give me a call.
im coming over.
Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
we need to drink more beer. the fridge wont close.
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
if it doesnt flame it aint got game is a bad drinking motto eyebrow-wise.
eyebrows regrow, your balls dont
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
Whats a little breast milk between friends?
Randomize
