i just pooped in tubberware. not a proud day
I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
you just broke rule number 1. If you can't lift her up don't date her
im pretty sure your bra is in my room hanging on my shark pinata
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
he shit on the floor last night i'm not venturing down there
You can't just walk around stealing hats from drunk boys and peeing in bathtubs. Turn down.
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
I know we're not on great terms here, but I need to know if you're still available for sexual activity...cause if not I need to get going on a work-out plan.
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
she gave me a ride on the back of her motor scooter and i swooned so hard
omg it's like all of your grease 2 fantasies come true i'm so happy for you
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