Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
Haha im about to meet my shrink &i have so much shit to tell him i made an outline
I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
Well, I just hope you know I had your best interests at heart when I put your sandwich down my pants.
Can I have my ID back now or are you using it to crossdress again?
We're both on the slippery slope toward middle age...and really shame riddled bar experiences
Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
Randomize
