there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
I told her shower beers are even better when you have someone in there with you and she said she's been looking for a new drinking buddy. It's a goooooo
I'm using her Instagram as a way to know where in town she is so I can avoid her lol
He said he "doesnt care at all, really" if I shave my legs or not. Challenge accepted.
he told me he didn't like my name so he was going to call me Casey instead
It's so Britney 2007, you know?
My favorite bra is missing and I smell like beer and bad decisions. This is definitely a sign that hoe mode is activated.
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
So I was laying on the couch reading a book and he texted me. All I saw was the image of him spitting on my vagina last night in the moonlight. I gagged.
Randomize
