My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
I decided you couldn't drive after you asked where the time circuits were on your Altima
I wanted to see November 5, 1985
i think at one point throughout the night i began eating birthday cake with a q-tip.
Hurry up I might actually study if I am left alone
the pic of her and her boyfriend fell off the wall as we were fucking.
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
No need to get angry I'm just tryin to get my door back
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
You can achieve whatever you wish in your imagination with some help from drugs
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
Randomize