I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
Come down. You're the next contestant on this bowl.
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
I just want to see him this morning so I can bask in my wasted accomplishment.
Did you hook up with him before or after he shaved off half of his eyebrow?
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
Uh do you have my pants because I have yours
Oh boy I hope we come out of this alive. And with clean prison records
It can't be easy when an alcoholic Russian is screaming to the entire dorm "he no get hard"
Are you ok?!
I assume I've stopped bleeding because I haven't passed out, but can't verify currently.
You ran up to my room. I was naked. You refused to leave without drugs. I love you.
Randomize
