It's finally official that I am from Oklahoma. I'm currently sleeping with my ex-fling's brother.
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
Should I have a moral quandary about Skyping topless with him while his son slept in the other room?
A surprise thumb up the ass and I'm wide awake. She was right, no need for caffine pills I could fight ninjas now.
And my only real exposure to Russian culture is you and Internet porn.
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
I was planning out a scrapbook to memorialize my affair.......and that's when it hit me, I don't make good choices. On the upside, the scrap book came out great and I am glad I saved all the gate passes from the airport.
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
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