i was drunk at family dinner telling about my gay brothers sex ads on criags list
wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
I thought if I stared at him long enough he'd walk me to my car. but he didn't. he dddidn't. i rreally thought i had those powers.
we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"
No i peed with you in the toilet. The guy I high fived was mid pee in front of the urinal
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
She's wearing her dead grandmother's pearl on the married finger so no guys "bother her" tonight... I am not THAT committed to Girl's Night.
A drawer in my room has nothing but a large feather quill, a wine glass, and a 15" Bowie knife. If you could put my life in a drawer I think that would be it.
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
just because you have a nice tits it doesn't make you a magic little snowflake.
So apparently last night while I was drunk I read him erotic fanfiction while he was eating me out. He stopped every now and then to give me feedback.
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
I think I had Hypothermia but was too drunk to notice.
Randomize
