I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
Never visiting again. You guys drink like immortals
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
I don't think I can recall what a 23 year old cock felt like if one slapped me in the face.
Where are you in relation to the mariatchi band?
I drunkenly texted ur dad last night telling him he raised great kids hahahahaha
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
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