Sry I called you an 8
Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
I just saw a guy wearing a tuxedo shirt under his overalls. That is true iowa class right there
The plus side of face planted at the tailgate was that no one could see my nipples hanging out.
the lighter is IN the bong. I don't know what to do
I remember tearing his shower curtain down but I don't remember trying to shave my vag...
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
despite the cops showing up at 8am, pre gaming groundhog day was my idea yet. and by pre gaming, i of course mean getting black out drunk by 7:30am
Today is leap day..... If that's not an excuse to blackout all day I don't know what is
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
Lol he touched my butt after his grad party and a shooting star went by. No kidding. My ass is mystical.
Everclear isn't food dammit
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
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