You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
Soooo billy mays was on coke. I'm about as shocked as I was when Clay Aiken came out
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
no i had to finish in the bathroom to a pic of her mom in a bikini.
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
Why is hotel staff askin about the blood in our room
I'm dealing with this like an adult, cupcakes and beer.
Taking advantage of alcohol's depressant capabilities to curtail my fever. SCIENCE!
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
You ran outside of the party to do the rain dance and swim in puddles
Well I had to have sex with him so he would buy me plan b. The fact that I had sex with someone else last night who couldn't afford it is irrelevant.
You'll be pleased to know I just had an elaborate day dream about your penis. you were there too.
Randomize
