You should've come with us, we're at Home Depot looking for men.
She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
it felt like i was a kid in an empty playground. i fucked him on every piece of furniture in the house and then when his housemates showed up i was naked in his bed like i'd been there all along.
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
I AM VODKA MAN
He didn't even realize I was drunk. He probably just thought I loved Torchwood so much that I no longer knew how to use my thumbs
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
Don't tell me you're on acid again
You tryed convincing the salvation army bell ringer you could do the worm and face planted into the sidewalk... I put a dollar in the can for your performance
But you''re still having sex with him. And a hobo convinced you to.
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