i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
Have you resumed life with the rest of the world yet or are you still huddled in the fetal position while wearing compression gear?
I realized last night, I never talk dirty in German during sex. How much wasted potential is that?
I rocked my own world, he was just a prop.
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm home alone for the next hour and a half, I expect soup and and a willing attitude to do drugs from one of or both of you girls.....annnnnd go
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
I got the beer and the first aid kit. You get the tequila and burn cream. We should be set for the camping trip.
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
Heading there now. Already have a boner.
Remeber when we went camping and fucked those two guys? Yeah me either but I'm covered in poison oak so I'm guessing it's from that.
Randomize