dude on moped wearing crocs...somebody get this guy his man card back
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
It was so weird. I had like an out of body experience. I heard the moaning, but I didn't know it was me.
In an m&m suit playing manhunt drunk. And you thought you werent guna have a good time
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
I would like to apologize once again for rubbing your thigh with my hands and face for a very long time last night.
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
We got way too high so we're sitting in the parking lot of the movies trying to figure out what bar to go to
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
She looked so much better when u didn't look at her and the music was too loud to hear her
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
It's just a friend who is recently single and I'm going to heal his broken heart with my vagina
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