FYI..good luck when you get back from work.. mom and dad know about the boy you brought home last night
haha good one..how did you even know?
we all know. he obviously didn't leave when you might have told him to.. he came down when we were eating because he coud smell mom's cooking. the dude ate with us and offered to say grace. so yeah, good luck.
Did you see the soccer ref give that girl the red card as she was being kicked out of the party?
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
The girl in the white might have stds. I'm strangely okay with this.
She's more than welcome to come too, so long as she has gotten over that me being responsible for the death of her cat thing.
Fuck. The basement bathroom I've been getting head in for 6 months just went 'Out of Service'.
My dick hurts from so many people grabbing it last night. We're not going back to that club
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
I'm remembering the time we thought it was a brilliant idea to put koolaid powder in shots of goldschlager
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
You should know two things about me,,,1) I am highly sexual and 2) I am HIGHLY competitive so you telling me about how much sex you had with the other girl makes me say "challenge accepted"... you should hydrate.
He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
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