just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
i don't know what happened by from the looks of her lipstick I'd say she was skull fucked by a rhino
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
Had sex with one of the guys from Ireland. Celebrating st pattys early.
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
last night someone said that theyd like to do drugs with a dolphin ... judging from the diagram on the wall we figured it out.
all we need now is a dolphin ... and some drugs.
Randomize
