My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
about to tell this girl that sh'es my teenage dream. you have 15.358s to stop me.
If you don't come out tonight, who's going to wake us up in the morning because they're fucking in the middle of the room where everyones sleeping?
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
Sorry, It's like OkCupid Olympics... categories: best sext, best dick pic, and most effort by ugly. You won gold in the last event if that makes you feel better.
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
He called yelling about whhhhhhiskey and enchiladas I heard sirens in the background last time I talked to him b
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
HE WILL NEVER BE ONE OF US. HE WILL NEVER BE A DECENT, GOD-FEARING WHORE.
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
It's confirmed. I have two dates on Saturday, and they are both named Mike.
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
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