You know your in college when you decide house chores with games of beer pong...
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
he even offered to make my bed in the morning.
We have sex, then we talk about foreign policy. Its a win-win.
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
if things do not go as planned you should see me walking down I81 blindfolded and pantless
why does he always try to puke into shot glasses
My eyes feel like they're throwing up and I am the only human on campus
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
I want to get "Patrick Kane" wasted tonight
I am one hundred percent down for that
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
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