I think getting shot is the thing to do in Brooklyn
we were having sex in the bathroom when his aunt knocked on the door
and rather than go out and meet her, i climbed out the window. so now she thinks he was masturbating and moaning his own name in a really girly voice
Dude, I just went to take a piss and looked at my ballsack... Underneath was labled "L" and "R"
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
I miss the smell of you or some shit.
Seriously my only wish tonight is to be at the club in a sombrero w my shirt off pouring tequila on bitches titties
Besides the fact that the only male who has shown an interest in me in the last 5 months has a strange and unfortunate resemblance to fucking Frodo, I've been good thanks
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
Randomize
