He used his penis as a puppet and sang Rihanna's Hard..... so no, we will never see each other again.
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
Yeah I'm gunna date him. I figure its regular sex and maybe feelings will come in time...it worked for arranged marriages...
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
i miss freshman lecture halls much harder to take shots in a class of 20
P.S. I just made up pleasure scepter for the purpose of that last message.
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
Any sexual interaction is meaningless without pizza during half time.
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
Randomize
