so when I got there he was dressed as jesus in a recliner drinking whiskey out of the bottle watching spanish porn. Then kept shouting dont judge me or ill judge you. we didn't even go to a halloween party.
We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
there were staples in my comforter. what kind of sex did we even have?
First coke bust down the road. Spring is finally here.
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
Apparently after I threw up I put my socks in the toilet......
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
I'm gonna snort this pill I found on the ground cause that's how classy I am. Watch football and eat Beef jerky. Domesticated at its finest.
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
Randomize
