Just got laid for the first time in 3 yrs, 10 mo, 1 wk & 2 days. YESSSS.
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.
about to tell this girl that sh'es my teenage dream. you have 15.358s to stop me.
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
Ok wear gym clothes just in case we feel like going shitfaced to the gym
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
that's right. bitches got laser pointers. let's fuck shit up
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
I'm getting married
To pizza
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
It was a recodring of you having sex ! It was like an ape and a dying mongoose at a buffet Xoxoxo
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