Instead of having sex, we spent the entire night making pillow forts and have sword fights. I think I'm in love
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
today is the best snowday of my entire life. also its no shirt day.
I'm not saying we can't have sex tonight, I'm just saying we have to work it around Lost.
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
He passed out naked in my bathroom, then took a shower, then passed out again and then took another shower. Last time I let my brother visit.
I slept with an Israeli and a Palestinian in the same day. It feels wrong.
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
I have a mailbox and I don't know why.
Randomize
