Pride was great cause we really can now appreciate how far we've come as gay people!
Doll, if you're still fucking strangers behind the WeHo Sonic while high on E then we've come as far as 2003...
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
We're trying to leave but amy's hitting on the guy who mans the nacho cart
Dude she pregamed for her sorority's philanthropy.
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
Look, I'm just saying... paying ur respects to the neighbors who had a death in the family with food u steal from the neighbors having the cookout may result in a negative karma situation.
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
I currently don't understand fingers.
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
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