im ready to get crazy and take my wig off
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
I haven't been that free with the boobs since I was 19. I'm putting them away for a while.
If you insist
The one guy literally flopped my boob out. Yes I insist.
I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
I can feel your judgement through the phone
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
How did I end up with the cock ring?!
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
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