She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
i have to get rid of the hedgehog.
Does it come with a cage?
yes. and food and toys.
i'll trade you an 8th for it
deal.
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
OH MY GOD. JESUS STRIPPER. THERE IS A JESUS STRIPPER HERE. A STRIPPER DRESSED AS JESUS.
I'm still not walking right. We need some boundaries for "drink-or-dare"...
Walking through campus with a grocery bag full of pot brownies. I'm like the santa claus of 4/20
I'm doing shots of jagger in dixi cups and making a lesson plan for my 8th grader summer school class. My life is so close to adulthood I can taste it
Very impressive. My GPA is the same amount of orgasms I can offer tonight (valid only tonight): 3.5
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
I think pretend fucking a camel is a good thing to do downtown. They loved me.
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
I don't think you understand I turned down McDonalds for you.
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