No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
everyone knows that carl winslow was the sexiest man in die hard.
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
Just saw the first guy i ever slept with in drag. I can hear my grandfather saying "i knew she was a lesbian" somewhere
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
I found out what happened to that girls weave last night. It was draped over a bush in my backyard.
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
I called him and he said hell call me back hes in the middle of his kareokee song he was out by himself and his dog
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
She needs to go. She is like the Yoko Ono of our group.
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
When campus security rolled up he stole their car and drove it like 100 feet. Then he walked up and gave back the keys because it was a hyundai.
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
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