So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
I didn't say she couldn't, I said you shouldn't.
right before he came he said "im ganna fill your stocking" nothing like holiday spirit!!
It would be celebrated in history as "the orgasm heard round the world"
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
I WANT TO JUMP IN TO A VOLCANO
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
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