I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
Just fucking put out. It'll be a good lay, promise. Stop being a prude. Damn it. A boy is trying to put his penis in you. APPRECIATE IT.
he threw up in a solo cup, then washed it out and used it to play flip cup. Im not sure if thats resourceful or disgusting.
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
I think pretend fucking a camel is a good thing to do downtown. They loved me.
It's a noodle incident. All I can say is that it was completely accidental, no one was too seriously injured, and I'm not allowed back to that bar without a designated pusher for my wheelchair.
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
We had sex and he ended up in the hospital... don't know if I should be worried or proud.
This tequila is so bad I might cry. I won't Throw up but I might cry
I have a completly random but serious question. Can I make a paper mache mold of you ass and turn it into a pinata filled with airplane bottles of liquor? Its for my art class
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
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