my mom just found my bong and asked what it was. I told her it was a hookah
and she bought it?!?
yeah...but her friends at work told her hookah was fun and now she wants to smoke it with me...im thinkin yes
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
he ate 15 dinner rolls and nothing else. then took a shit in the bathroom came out and blamed it on his dad. i wish i was 8.
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
Sorry, I am not your wing girl tonight,. in my pjs, eating cereal from the box. Hell I only shaved the inside of my legs just so they wouldn't itch. Not happening.
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
After we had sex he began to tell me the craziest places he's had sex. He told me KFC bathroom so I rolled over and went to sleep.
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
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