I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
Is it really that bad? I heard it was like pooping. I like pooping.
woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
I made myself breakfast and everything and then whoever's house it actually was came downstairs very upset.
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
On an unrelated note: I'm also a big advocate of the "never waste a boner" theory.
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
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