can u get pink eye on your cock?
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
I'll just wear something slutty to the liquor store and hope for the best
that's your solution for everything
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
why can't I meet attractive men at the places I like to hang out? like books a million. or the liquor store.
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
literally who communicates this much post-hookup why r u like this
Atleast we had sex on the couch before your ex took it from you
My parents are now taking hits off a joint. Thank you.
Totally reading about penis envy for my final exam
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
Randomize
