You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
my quiz for the book was only 2 questions and my one answer was sorry and then a sad face
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
Hippo gnu deer
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
lets talk about you, dubstep, and a bunny suit.
No but I was fuckin done when I realized my acrylic nail caught fire when I was hitting the bong.
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
I pelvic thrusted so hard while he was eating me out that his nose started bleeding. I think it's broken. Trophy scars, right?
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
Randomize
