my shit smells like andre
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
He said that if more girls show up hes not going to ask ages... Spoken like a true sex offender
I just found pie in my hoodie pocket... This break needs to end.
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
I want to be the sort of person he can respect in the morning once the drugs wear off.
i think the last part kind of negates the first part there
Lying naked in bed eating carrot cake of off my bare breasts while watching Family Guy. Tonsilitis isn't all bad!
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
Your trash is full of condoms and yoohoos what a great life we live
How early is too early to start drinking when studying for the bar?
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
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