I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
You should have been there. We got drunk and threw a sword through his windshield.
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
I've never heard of anyone celebrating the holidays with a fuck buddies family before.
....I'll be expecting my trophy when I return.
The fire alarm went off at 3 am in the freshmen dorm. So guess which junior everyone now knows is hooking up with a freshman? This girl...
He is just lying there. People are throwing money onto his chest as they walk by...
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
We broke up. My life is now 7 inches less.
He fucked me so hard my hair extensions fell out
Just fyi i'm now butt naked in a steam room smoking a bong in some guys house. i sense the weed penetrating my pores.
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
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