I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
It involved anal and pop rocks. Tell me how that could have ended well.
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
ever had one of those days where you say fuck it and lick the inside of a bag of chips
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
Liquor has joined the party. Aly just fucking yelled "I LOVE COOKING" and poured margarita mixer, ice and tequila into the blender.
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
Just got a handjob in my psych lecture. You were right, going to class is paying off.
Randomize
